COLLEGE FOOTBALL BOWL PICKS
I won't be getting nearly as much work done during the holidays as I would like, mostly because of the college football bowl season. So, in that small sense, this post is writing-related. It's about how sports can seriously screw with the ability to get any writing done. It's also writing related because of Jeffrey Ford's win-picking bowl chicken. No, I'm not going to explain. I just suggest next time you see Jeff Ford at a convention, you go up to him and say, "What's with the bowl-pickin' chicken?" He loves it when people ask him about it.
So, without further preamble, here are my bowl picks, along with my reasoning. I realize that, especially in the rationale part, I might lose some of my non-US readers who may not be familiar with the intimate details of college football, but I promise this is the last you’ll hear of it, so your agony will be short-lived.
(From first played to last played...)
WYNDHAM NEW ORLEANS BOWL - Lafayette, Louisiana
Bowl Matchup: Arkansas State vs. Southern Miss
JV Pick: Southern Miss
Rationale: SM plays a tight 7-5 defense with a 3-2 pick split. This should befuddle A State’s standard fishbone offense.
POINSETTIA BOWL - San Diego, California
Bowl Matchup: Colorado State vs. Navy
JV Pick: Navy
Rationale: Half of Colorado State’s players have been sick with a stomach bacteria the past few weeks, contracted whilst visiting orphans at a meat-packing factory. Navy, meanwhile, has been feasting on grain-fed swordfish for weeks. Enough said.
GMAC BOWL - Mobile, Alabama
Bowl Matchup: UTEP vs. Toledo
JV Pick: Toledo
Rationale: UTEP’s coach is a blind alcoholic former private eye who hops on one leg due to an old shotgun wound suffered when he investigated Jerry Brown’s anti-familial flings back in the 1970s. Toledo’s coach hallucinates that hummingbirds fly out of his fingertips. So it’s basically a toss up
PIONEER PURE VISION LAS VEGAS BOWL - Las Vegas, Nevada
Bowl Matchup: BYU vs. California
JV Pick: California
Rationale: The number of “Dear John” letters received at some time by current BYU football players during their college stint is at an all-time high. Meanwhile, 90 percent of California’s players are married.
FORT WORTH BOWL - Fort Worth, Texas
Bowl Matchup: Houston vs. Kansas
JV Pick: Kansas
Rationale: Kansas is flat. Houston is rounded. The field in Fort Worth is flat.
SHERATON HAWAII BOWL - Honolulu, Hawaii
Bowl Matchup: UCF vs. Nevada
JV Pick: Nevada
Rationale: The UCF mascot is the Fighting Paper Bag. The Nevada mascot is the Paper Shredding Three-Taloned Blood Eagle.
MOTOR CITY BOWL - Detroit, Michigan
Bowl Matchup: Akron vs. Memphis
JV Pick: Akron
Rationale: Lately, members of the Memphis football team have been working three jobs to support their coach’s crack habit.
CHAMPS SPORTS BOWL - Orlando, Florida
Bowl Matchup: Clemson vs. Colorado
JV Pick: Clemson
Rationale: Colorado’s offensive and defensive schemes have been documented on cave walls and carbon dated to 3000 BC.
INSIGHT BOWL - Phoenix, Arizona
Bowl Matchup: Arizona State vs. Rutgers
JV Pick: Arizona State
Rationale: Arizona has seeded the Insight Bowl field with rutger-eating carnivorous pitcher plants.
MPC COMPUTERS BOWL - Boise, Idaho
Bowl Matchup: Boise State vs. Boston College
JV Pick: Boston College
Rationale: All year, Boston College players have been playing with blue-tinted glare protectors on their helmets, in preparation for the possibility of playing on the blue Boise field. This will negate any inherent home-field advantage, Boise State players’ ingestion of blue dye notwithstanding.
MASTERCARD ALAMO BOWL - San Antonio, Texas
Bowl Matchup: Nebraska vs. Michigan
JV Pick: Michigan
Rationale: The University of Nebraska only recently discovered the forward pass, sex-on-the-beach, and the female orgasm.
EMERALD BOWL - San Francisco, California
Bowl Matchup: Utah vs. Georgia Tech
JV Pick: Georgia Tech
Rationale: Georgia Tech linebackers have killed 27 quarterbacks this season, maimed 12 receivers, and eaten the livers of 5 centers.
PACIFIC LIFE HOLIDAY BOWL - San Diego, California
Bowl Matchup: Oregon vs. Oklahoma
JV Pick: Oregon
Rationale: Oregon coach Buckwaldo Mudthumper has been making many suspicious phone calls to the organized crime families, while Sooner coach Archibald Flapjack has been ordering flak jackets.
GAYLORD HOTELS MUSIC CITY BOWL - Nashville, Tennessee
Bowl Matchup: Minnesota vs. Virginia
JV Pick: Virginia
Rationale: Minnesota has a long, proud history of abject fourth-quarter failure and naked ice-running.
VITALIS SUN BOWL - El Paso, Texas
Bowl Matchup: Northwestern vs. UCLA
JV Pick: UCLA
Rationale: Lord Bloodstark, owner of the UCLA Bruins, has recently had the offensive line fitted with jetpacks. Northwestern has made no adjustment to this development.
INDEPENDENCE BOWL - Shreveport, Louisiana
Bowl Matchup: Missouri vs. South Carolina
JV Pick: South Carolina
Rationale: Never pick against the old ball coach.
CHICK-FIL-A PEACH BOWL - Atlanta, Georgia
Bowl Matchup: Miami vs. LSU
JV Pick: LSU
Rationale: The Miami Bluebells and the LSU Daisies have a history of close games, with many fatalities on each side. In this case, Dugger Crydon III (LSU swerveback) will be the difference, with Miami’s Grutter Fryeball on the bench with a sudden extra groin.
MEINEKE CAR CARE BOWL - Charlotte, North Carolina
Bowl Matchup: NC State vs. South Florida
JV Pick: NC State
Rationale: Who the hell is South Florida?
AUTOZONE LIBERTY BOWL - Memphis, Tennessee
Bowl Matchup: Tulsa vs. Fresno State
JV Pick: Fresno State
Rationale: Tulsa’s team has suffered outbreak upon outbreak of leprosy this season and may be unable to catch the ball.
EV1. NET HOUSTON BOWL - Houston, Texas
Bowl Matchup: Iowa State vs. TCU
JV Pick: TCU
Rationale: The Iowa State Wallflowers simply do not have the firepower to outscore the TCU Horned Mice.
OUTBACK BOWL - Tampa, Florida
Bowl Matchup: Iowa vs. Florida
JV Pick: Florida
Rationale: Florida’s armored personnel carriers have not yet arrived, whilst Iowa’s more classic tree camouflage kits were opened and practiced with ages ago.
SBC COTTON BOWL CLASSIC - Dallas, Texas
Bowl Matchup: Texas Tech vs. Alabama
JV Pick: Alabama
Rationale: Although this game could be close, Alabama’s enigmatic elephant mascot should browbeat and masticate the Texas Tech comely rodeo clown prior to the festivities.
TOYOTA GATOR BOWL - Jacksonville, Florida
Bowl Matchup: Virginia Tech vs. Louisville
JV Pick: Virginia Tech
Rationale: When Virginia isn’t playing teams hailing from a peninsula, they do just fine.
CAPITAL ONE BOWL - Orlando, Florida
Bowl Matchup: Wisconsin vs. Auburn
JV Pick: Auburn
Rationale: Wisconsin prides itself on its infamous passive-aggressive “Swiss Cheese” defense, whereby members of the opposing team score repeatedly and at will.
TOSTITOS FIESTA BOWL - Tempe, Arizona
Bowl Matchup: Notre Dame vs. Ohio State
JV Pick: Ohio State
Rationale: I hate Notre Dame with a blind passion.
NOKIA SUGAR BOWL - Atlanta, Georgia
Bowl Matchup: Georgia vs. West Virginia
JV Pick: Georgia
Rationale: Georgia quarterback DJ Shockley’s discovery of matter displacement midway through the season resulted in shocking injuries, but stabilized into equally shocking victories. West Virginia, meanwhile, is arriving at the game via mule-cart and canoes with wheels on them.
FEDEX ORANGE BOWL - Miami, Florida
Bowl Matchup: Florida State vs. Penn State
JV Pick: Penn State
Rationale: My dad went to Penn State.
ROSE BOWL - Pasadena, California
Bowl Matchup: USC vs. Texas
JV Pick: USC
Rationale: The Trojans should easily cover the Long Horns and render them impotent. (“No applause, please—I’ll be here all week.”)