Tuesday, October 10, 2006


My Fellow Americans and Monkeys:

It is with a grave sense of public duty and a relatively clear conscience that I hereby announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America in 2008. Having seen no other viable candidates step forward, I feel it is my duty to fill that void with a platform, vice president, and agenda that will return this great nation to the correct and proper path.

I will provide a video announcement in which I reveal the name of my vice president and some of my platform planks this coming Monday morning.

Until that time, let me just say that it will be fucking great to serve you and to give this country what it is sorely lacking right now: bananas, brutally honest discourse, and fleas.

My minions await their orders. Avaunt!


Arnold E(vil) Monkey, Esq.


At 7:42 AM, Anonymous Jay Lake said...

Preach it brother monkey! Perhaps my imaginary candidacy can lend support to yours.

At 8:04 AM, Blogger Dave said...


At 12:26 PM, Anonymous spencer said...

Evil Monkey, you have my vote.

At 2:22 PM, Blogger Joe said...

Add Al Franken as your running mate and I'll vote for you. Well, I would if I was an American citizen. Well, if I was an American citizen and not of certain ethnic or class groups in Florida...

At 2:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My running mate will be uniquely American except for a slight disability. But he will confess to this disability upfront so it won't become a campaign issue.

Al Franken, alas, is too cuddly for this assignment.

Evil Monkey
Primate of Slovakia

At 4:32 AM, Anonymous George said...

I want to become a US citizen just so I can vote for you.

At 4:45 AM, Anonymous Darren said...

At last! A candidate of the people, by the people and for the people*. A man (sorry: monkey) who can unite Democrat and Republican alike - one nation under dog.

Evil Monkey, you have my vote (invalid as it is, coming from an Australian citizen resident in Britain)

Viva El Presidente!

* the term "people" to be defined in due course. . .

At 5:01 AM, Blogger Barking Dog said...

Hmm, an evil monkey in the Oval Office. Hmm, okay, I'm not seeing a difference between what we have now and this possible future. I would have to see a position paper before I make up my mind.

At 6:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think my position, initially, will simply be to undo the tangled syntax of deception. If we're going to have fascism in the US, I want it done honestly, by gawd! No more Clean Water Acts that pollute. I'll call it the Dirty Water Act so you know where we stand!


At 7:18 AM, Anonymous safewrite said...

Dahhlink, a banana in every pot! Fleas instead of terrorists or national health care.

Sheer genius.

At 9:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A reader has emailed me to indicate he thinks it's dishonest to call what's happening in the US fascism. He may be right. Let me amend that to "fascism capitalist-style".


At 3:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you, by any chance, have a twin bother?

If so he can be your vice president. Think about the possibilities - you could switch places when bored and no one would notice.

It works pretty well in Poland - we have twin brothers for president and prime minister and they work hard to establish National Socialism. Now that I think about this they look so much like evil monkeys ... hmmm



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