TEN THINGS I'VE DONE THAT MAYBE YOU'VE DONE OR NOT
From Barth, who got it from others...
Ten Things I've Done (not that I'm proud of most of them)
10 - Said "I thought you'd be taller" (like, 10 feet tall) upon first meeting my then-idol S.P. Somtow in 1993 (doh!).
9 - Ran from a Chuckee Cheese with kids in tow after my stepdaughter's friend kicked the giant rat mascot in the balls (rather than face the music).
8 - Attempted to help haul a very large tank-top-wearin' drunken disabled veteran back into his wheelchair on a highway intersection, only to lose traction on his sweaty armpits and fall back into the road--at which point he got up and put himself back in the wheelchair. (Related to this experience, only in terms of futile highway mercy missions, tried to help a large snapping turtle off the road only to have it projectile shit all over me whilst trying to bite my hands off; I did hold on in this instance, although the whirling shit dervish we combined to become amused many onlookers.)
7 - Helped my sister tail one of our mother's boyfriends (who we found nefarious and who later turned out to be a criminal) whilst wearing wigs and other disguises.
6 - Had a hallucinogenic experience involving hummingbirds at the age of 8 while on oxygen for my asthma in Cuzco, Peru.
5 - Rode an elephant up to the palace in Jaipur, India.
4 - Reached into a monkey cage in the Calcutta Zoo and was bitten on the wrist a month after being evacuated from a movie theater in Thailand showing Cinderella due to a bomb scare (said bomb going off the next day). And this a week after seeing Planet of the Apes in Singapore dubbed into Chinese with German subtitles (one of the most confusing experiences of my life). It's all related...
3 - Attempted to walk across burning ash in a Fijian trance dance while wearing a grass skirt.
2 - Sent a metal message pellet to a former employer for a laugh and was brought in by the sheriff department's bomb squad unit for questioning.
1 - Banned from a small Florida town for yelling at the printer (who was also a sheriff's deputy) who had totally f---ed up our g--d--- motherf---ing Ministry of Whimsy magazine, already five f---ing months late (I was very young and stupid).