TEN THINGS I'VE DONE THAT MAYBE YOU'VE DONE OR NOT

From Barth, who got it from others...

Jeff



Ten Things I've Done (not that I'm proud of most of them)

10 - Said "I thought you'd be taller" (like, 10 feet tall) upon first meeting my then-idol S.P. Somtow in 1993 (doh!).

9 - Ran from a Chuckee Cheese with kids in tow after my stepdaughter's friend kicked the giant rat mascot in the balls (rather than face the music).

8 - Attempted to help haul a very large tank-top-wearin' drunken disabled veteran back into his wheelchair on a highway intersection, only to lose traction on his sweaty armpits and fall back into the road--at which point he got up and put himself back in the wheelchair. (Related to this experience, only in terms of futile highway mercy missions, tried to help a large snapping turtle off the road only to have it projectile shit all over me whilst trying to bite my hands off; I did hold on in this instance, although the whirling shit dervish we combined to become amused many onlookers.)

7 - Helped my sister tail one of our mother's boyfriends (who we found nefarious and who later turned out to be a criminal) whilst wearing wigs and other disguises.

6 - Had a hallucinogenic experience involving hummingbirds at the age of 8 while on oxygen for my asthma in Cuzco, Peru.

5 - Rode an elephant up to the palace in Jaipur, India.

4 - Reached into a monkey cage in the Calcutta Zoo and was bitten on the wrist a month after being evacuated from a movie theater in Thailand showing Cinderella due to a bomb scare (said bomb going off the next day). And this a week after seeing Planet of the Apes in Singapore dubbed into Chinese with German subtitles (one of the most confusing experiences of my life). It's all related...

3 - Attempted to walk across burning ash in a Fijian trance dance while wearing a grass skirt.

2 - Sent a metal message pellet to a former employer for a laugh and was brought in by the sheriff department's bomb squad unit for questioning.

1 - Banned from a small Florida town for yelling at the printer (who was also a sheriff's deputy) who had totally f---ed up our g--d--- motherf---ing Ministry of Whimsy magazine, already five f---ing months late (I was very young and stupid).