CONTEST WINNERS--WORST LAST LINES OF NOVELS
NOTE: I can't help but feel the disconnect between the frivolity of posting these contest results and the terrible things happening on the Gulf Coast. So, please, if you read this entry and you're entertained, or even if you're not, contribute to the relief efforts. Thanks.
Judging the worst last lines of a novel contest was very difficult, especially since I know several of the submitters. Therefore, I gave all of the entries to Ann with the names and nicknames taken off, got her opinions, and then we both sat down and picked out the winners. It was tough. In another mood, on a different day, any of those below could have won.
Ultimately, we picked the Myers because it nicely mimicked a standard bad novel ending while adding just one insanely absurd element that made us laugh. Goodwin’s was likewise absurd and hilarious, and we contemplated a tie for first for a long time. Meanwhile, Rowan’s entry nicely skewered a popular book while giving us the kind of shudder you get from reading the end of Waugh’s A Handful of Dust.
Among the runners up, Paul Larsen’s two entries displayed outstanding creativity, while Llewellyn’s entry is just plain funny.
Thanks to everyone for sending in such quality material. I had a lot of fun with this, and I hope you did too.
I’m sure everyone has their own favorite and that our picks will be controversial in some quarters. For example, Evil Monkey wanted Nick Mamatas to win or place.
To view all of the entrants, click here and here.
PS If you’re on the Honorable Mentions list with a nickname or first name only and you want your full name listed, just email me.
PPS I expect acceptance speeches from the winners.
1st Place - $50 and three books
"Well, you were right," I said to Jenny. "The cauliflower was evil. Do you suppose we'll ever learn how it managed to hijack that plane and escape?"
"No," she said.
2nd Place - $25 and two books
Geoffrey H. Goodwin
Just like page 47, page 362 and as was alluded to twice on page 417, the Fortifier chortled because the air was sticky.
3rd Place - $15 and one book
"My researches have revealed that this so-called Da Vinci Code is in fact only one of a series of forty-seven such Codes, the stories of which I shall tell separately in other volumes."
"Sadly, I never found out the answer to my question. Her vagina never spoke to me again...."
Ultimately, this was made all the more amazing when you realize, dear reader, that the once-fearsome Elvin was none other than his neighbor's son, Murray, disguising himself with an evangelist's wig and a velvet cape.
His glass eye, tired of playing the part of unwitting grifter in a seemingly endless series of escalating bar bets, had finally wreaked its horrific revenge and escaped into a jar of olives.
When the morning mists finally lifted and the sun shyly shone on the desolate wasteland that was once a home, all that was left of the events of the last twelve and a half days was the litter of spent bullets strewn across the lawn, accompanied by the bitter stench of revenge.
With his HotPocket finished, Jeff picked up his tweezers and positioned his fluorescent magnifier swing-arm lamp above the two piles of sand on his desk to resume his count, shifting the grains one at time as he had been doing for the past 3 years -- "nine-hundred thousand eight-hundred and thirty-six, nine-hundred thousand eight-hundred and thirty-seven, nine-hundred thousand eight-hundred and thirty-eight, nine-hundred thousand eight-hundred and thirty-nine, nine-hundred thousand eight-hundred and forty, nine-hundred thousand eight-hundred and forty-one..."
"And now at last," said Cavan with a grand gesture, "I can reveal to all of you the name of the killer who murdered our nine dear friends so cruelly while they slept in their beds. It's
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And then, with a pop as soft as that which marks the passing of a soap bubble dancing its last on a summer zephyr, our hero's rectum prolapsed.
The exhaust from the grey Plymouth lingered in my mouth as she drove away with that maniacal laugh I once loved, a deranged monkey named Ed, and a powerful case of VD.
Ben the Gong
He fell to his knees, tears streaming down his face and sobbed to the sky above "Why did she have to be my brother?"