Monday, November 21, 2005

EVIL MONKEY'S JACKASS OF THE WEEK

Winner: Mr. If-You-Build-A-Fence-They-Won't-Get-In Colin Hanna

Jeff:
It's only Monday and you've already chosen a jackass of the week?

Evil Monkey:
It seemed pretty clear to me that no one was going to top this guy. I could be wrong.

Jeff:
Let me get this straight. Mr. Hanna wants to build a fence all along our border with Mexico? Like, a six-tiered fence with a security road, barbed wire, the works?

Evil Monkey:
Yeah. It takes a pretty big jackass to suggest that, don't you think?

Jeff:
But those evil Mexicans are just jonesing to blow up stuff in America!!!

Evil Monkey:
Right. Now you're the one flinging your own poo against the wall. And winding me up. This jackass actually thinks that walling off a whole country like some twisted 21st century Poe story is going to stop terrorism. Just how many terrorist attacks have been launched from Mexico so far? I'm just a(n albeit evil) monkey and I know this is pretty flaky.

Jeff:
I dunno. Seems pretty reasonable.

Evil Monkey:
Well, then, why don't we fence off our coasts, too. Why don't we search every container entering this country by sea. Why don't we fence off our border with Canada--

Jeff:
I think that's next on Hanna's agenda. He's been a city commissioner--he knows what's what!

Evil Monkey:
Far be it from me to influence your brilliant prose, but you've got to work this into a short story or something. "The Man Who Wanted to Fence Off the World."

Jeff:
We should fence off the sky! Mall it all off! Fence! Fence! No gate! No gate! Wall! Wall! Viva el wall? Viva la wall? Viva fence! Viva loco!

Evil Monkey:
You're nuts.

Jeff:
Sorry about that. So, um...is this jackass feature really going to be a weekly thing?

Evil Monkey:
Until I get bored. Then I might learn French. Or take over the world. Whichever seems easiest. Or run for Congress. I think a monkey could make a real difference in Congress.

2 Comments:

At 1:29 AM, Blogger The Head said...

my feeling is if the chinese can build a wall than so can we. think of it this way - if its done with style than hundreds of years from now archaeologists and tourists will have something remarkable to gawk at. your problem, mr. vandermeer, is that you need to learn how to think positive.

 
At 12:41 PM, Blogger Joe said...

Pah, walls are no good. We in Britain are aware that the finest defence against pesky foreign devils is being surrounded by water. Works against Nazis, Spanish armadas, the French... So scrap the fence idea and dig a truly gigantic moat around the land borders of the US. Or all go live in Hawaii, whichever you prefer.

Oh and back it up with lots of intrusive ID cards like that nice MR Blair wants, because obviously that stops terrorists too (excpt maybe the ones who actually live here already). And it gives Kate Moss something to chop up her coke lines with.

 

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