LADY IN THE WATER: WHAT THE BLEEP?! WIRE: MOST DEF

Evil Monkey: What the fuck? What the fuck?

Jeff: Evil! My beloved monkey! Long time no see.

Evil Monkey: What the fuck? What the fuck?

Jeff: Hey, hey. Calm down. You look...you look like you're fucked up.

Evil Monkey: What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?

Jeff: Get a grip, Evil. C'mon. Evil!

Evil Monkey: What the f--

Jeff: Sorry. Had to do it.

Evil Monkey: That'll leave a mark.

Jeff: What's wrong.

Evil Monkey: Just saw Lady in the Water. There were (*shudder*) topiary monkeys.

Jeff: Yeah, I saw that flick. Pretty fucked up, huh?

Evil Monkey: There was a giant eagle and a one-armed man and a grass wolf and a mermaid and a guy who could drink air out of a glass without drowning and a what the fuck what the f---...Thanks.

Jeff: No problem.

Evil Monkey: Sorry. I just wasted two hours of my life and I couldn't tell you anything about why or how or what the hell was going on.

Jeff: It's about a guy whose family got all jacked up by some home invader.

Evil Monkey: I got that much. But then there's scrunts and nerfs and fucking topiary monkeys and an eagle and...

Jeff: You on something man? You been hanging out at the pit? You got the yellow tops?

Evil Monkey: I tried to go clean, but snortin' that M. Night Shamblingman is a powerful powerful thang.

Jeff: If its those low rises again, givin' you trouble, I can send in muscle.

Evil Monkey: It's more those high rises in Philly, dude. There's, like, mermaids sent to the apartment complex pool and a wolf that rises from grass, man.

Jeff: Grass ain't where the profit is, Evil. It's all in the meth and the coke. You know that. You're part of the game.

Evil Monkey: What the fuck are you talking about?

Jeff: While you been watching that lame-ass whitebread movie, I been watchin' the first season of The Wire, motherfucker.

Evil Monkey: Fuck.

Jeff: Fuuuuuck yeah.

Evil Monkey: Fuck?

Jeff: FUCK!

Evil Monkey: FUCK!

Jeff: Mutha-fuuuuuccccckkkkeeeerrrr.

Evil Monkey: Fucketyfuckfuckfuck. Measure that. Bullet came in the window there.

Jeff: Fuck.

Evil Monkey: Fuck!

Jeff: Unfortunately, it didn't hit M. Night Shamblingman while he was makin' his skint flick, man.

Evil Monkey: Fuck me!

Jeff: FuuuuuuuuuuCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKUUUUH

Evil Monkey: Word.

Jeff: No. Story. Her name was Story. It was fucked up, man.

Evil Monkey: Fucked up, yeah. Apartment complex in the middle of nowhere in Philadelphia. They built a fucking project for that thar project.

Jeff: Paragraph.

Evil Monkey: No. Story. Her name was Story.

Jeff: You know, they popped Wallace.

Evil Monkey: Wish they'd popped Paul "Dare Fucking" Giamatti before I had to see his breast titties while he was swimmin' in that "I'm gonna breathe for five minutes from a fucking glass of air." That shit was, like, The Abyss, only not so poignant.

Jeff: What's the take from the pit tonight, anyway?

Evil Monkey: I dunno. I don't know how it's doing in rental.

Jeff: The deputy op come down on you?

Evil Monkey: I wish the deputy op had gone down on me, man, while I was watching that movie. That was some fucked up shit..

Jeff: Yeah. What was with that thing. Like, the guy who did Spirited Away--he'd've made it work.

Evil Monkey: He's on the pure stuff, yo. He been smokin' his own brain for so long, it's strong. M. Night Shamblingman, he's been smokin' his own brain, too, but it's, like, two-thirds baking soda cut with, like, a third of powdered elephant dick, I think.

Jeff: Word.

Evil Monkey: No. Story. There ain't no story. There's just people talking at each other and telling us what the fuck's going on.

Jeff: Fuuuuuuck.....

Evil Monkey: Fuuuuuuuuck.

Jeff: Still, I don't want that fucking chia pet of a villain, that astroturf hyena thing up in my piece.

Evil Monkey: That reminds me. I got rid of the piece. After the deed.

Jeff: Not in the fucking room, man. Turn up that music. What if there's a wire?

[Bootsie Collins' Christmas CD comes on...loud...]

Evil Monkey: ...Shame about Wallace.

Jeff: He knew what was what. He was in the game.

Evil Monkey: Shamblingman's in the game.

Jeff: Different game. Different consequences.

Evil Monkey: I just wasted two hours of my life. What the fuck did any of that shit happen?

Jeff: Hey, they gots a conviction. Sure, it was only seven years, but Dee got twenty.

Evil Monkey: But Dee's all-right.

Jeff: He's a stone cold killer.

Evil Monkey: Story, you're right about that.

Jeff: McNulty sure was a prick.

Evil Monkey: Man, if he'd been in at that apartment complex with the mer-nelfling, he'd've gotten to the bottom of it. He'd have tapped the phones of that Korean woman who knew the whole story of the mer-thing and told it to poor fucking bastard Paul G., like, over forty fucking minutes. He'd have taken it right to the top. And Daniels be right up beside him, signing them warrants. No way that turf-toe wolf thing would've gotten anywhere close. That damn eagle would be in the city jail, awaiting bail.

Jeff: Word. Story. Paragraph. Comma splice.

Evil Monkey: Plot. Causality. Narrative. Form. Voice.

Jeff: What you doing for Christmas?

Evil Monkey: I'm watching the second season of The Wire.

Jeff: Me too.

Evil Monkey: I gotta get that fucking movie out of my head.

Jeff: You wanna come watch with Ann and me.

Evil Monkey: I need a safe house. Omar's on my tail and that motherfucka's got a hell of a shotgun.

Jeff: Then come on in. It's been awhile, like I said.

Evil Monkey: Merry Christmas.

Jeff: Merry Christmas.

Evil Monkey: Jeff, you don't think...

Jeff: What, Evil?

Evil Monkey: ...that they'd ever do a sequel to Lady in the Water?

Jeff: They did. It's the second season of The Wire. They fish that mer-lady out of the river off Baltimore. First episode, man. McNulty on it from his little salty seadog boat.

Evil Monkey: Fuuuuccccccckkkkkkkk!

Jeff: FUCK!

Evil Monkey: Fooooooooo--ooooookkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!

Jeff: You think Santa's coming down the chimney?

Evil Monkey: Not with this many F-bombs.

Jeff: Fuck, you're right about that.

Evil Monkey: Fucking A.

Jeff: And don't be getting me started on that obsidian-smooth lame-ass Miami Vice movie. Omar's gonna be takin' out Crockett and Stone Face any time now.

Evil Monkey: And to all a good night.