FRIDAY MORNING WITH EVIL MONKEY

Evil Monkey:
Hey, Jeff. How’s it going?

Jeff:
It’s going well. Just busy. I haven’t seen you around much lately.

Evil Monkey:
I’ve been here. You’ve just been too busy to notice me.

Jeff:
Sorry about that.

Evil Monkey:
Naw, it’s okay. It’s given me a lot more time to think.

Jeff:
About running for president?

Evil Monkey:
Oh, I’m definitely doing that. But I’m going to let some of these jokers impale themselves on their own stupidity before I launch my campaign.

Jeff:
It’s true there’s a lot of stupidity in the world.

Evil Monkey:
Yeah, like this stuff about SF writers advising homeland security.

Jeff:
I only glanced at that.

Evil Monkey:
I just noticed that the guy who came up with the Puppeteers is one of these advisors.

Jeff:
What’re Puppeteers?

Evil Monkey:
They look like E.T. only more dookie-like, if memory serves.

Jeff:
Oh.

Evil Monkey:
Yeah, well, I was thinking, last thing I need is Mr. Puppeteer helping with homeland security. These jerks won’t consult real scientists on anything, but they’re using SF writers to help with our security?

Jeff:
Some of those writers are scientists.

Evil Monkey:
Some of those writers are major bullshitters.

Jeff:
Some of those writers I read and loved growing up.

Evil Monkey:
Some of those writers have been churning out bricks for years.

Jeff:
Some of those writers might hurt you if you’re not careful.

Evil Monkey:
But then writers in general are bothering me.

Jeff:
Yeah?

Evil Monkey:
Yeah. Like, did you read this article?


Jeff:
I glanced at it. I've been too busy getting up every day at eight, doing all my freelance fiction/nonfiction stuff, going the gym, etc.

Evil Monkey:
Yeah, well, this one woman blames her writing career for her being lazy and fat.

Jeff:
I did see that.

Evil Monkey:
Apparently, as soon as she got her advance and starting working from home she’d get up around ten or eleven and it was just a gorge-fest from then on. Bring on the ding-dongs. And it’s all because she’s a writer.

Jeff:
Not because she has no self-discipline, huh?

Evil Monkey:
That’s what’s wrong with this country right now.

Jeff:
Going to fix it?

Evil Monkey:
Either that, or make it so much worse that it’ll squash self-awareness into even the least self-aware.

Jeff:
Maybe you’re too self-aware, Evil.

Evil Monkey:
Would you vote for me?

Jeff:
I’ll talk to you, but I’m not sure I’ll vote for you.

Evil Monkey:
Why not?

Jeff:
It might be like voting for Ralph Nader. A psychotic, feces-throwing Ralph Nader.

Evil Monkey:
I’m too bored to pretend to be hurt.

Jeff:
I’m too busy to pretend to give a damn.

Evil Monkey:
I’m too bored to care about taking things for granted.

Jeff:
I’m too busy to care about the words you are using.

Evil Monkey:
I’m too bored to bother taking this fork out of my eye.

Jeff:
I’m too busy to call an ambulance.

Evil Monkey:
I’m too bored to stop these flames from shooting out of my ass.

Jeff:
I’m too busy to fan them.

Evil Monkey:
I’m too bored to finish this sentence.

Jeff:
I’m too busy to finish this sentence.