MEN WITH HAIRY EYEBROWS
Dougie Stewart and Trent O’Klahomah, guest blogging for Geoffrey Maloney
Dougie: Wow, Vanderworld. I can’t believe they let us in.
Trent: What a cool place. Just look at the size of these mushrooms!
Dougie: Don’t touch it, man. Geoffrey said they bite. And Geoffrey said not to go near the hospital. It’s where that Ramsbottom guy keeps all those weird diseases. Or the dungeon. We are not to go to the dungeon.
Trent: Why not? I like dungeons.
Dougie: It’s where Mr Vandermeer keeps all the left-over body parts from Veniss Underground. And he doesn’t like anybody messing around with them.
Trent: Okay, okay, I don’t want to catch any weird diseases, and body parts make me queasy. Let’s go check out those cute furry meerkats, then we’ll go to the squid pool, then we can have a drink with that Evil Monkey dude that we met on the way in. He seemed like a cool guy. After that we can pick up a couple of postcards for the guys and ladies back at the office.
Dougie: Geoffrey said that Mr Vandermeer said that we needed to do something entertaining before we start wandering around.
Trent: Like what?
Dougie: You know something witty or educational or something.
Trent: Can we talk about nudie women?
Trent: Hmm. I could do my hairy eyebrow speech. You know the one I gave that day in the office. That’s witty and educational.
Dougie: And topical too.
Trent: Okay then, here goes: “Ladies and Gentlemen, Meerkats, Little Squiddies and Mr Evil Monkey, there is a thing that I have noticed in life—that men with bushy eyebrows tend to be gruff and unfriendly. Decidedly mean spirited, you might even say. Now if you yourself are a man with well-endowed eyebrows and claim to be of a friendly disposition then, dear sir, you are indeed blessed. You are a great rarity and should revel in your uniqueness. But may I suggest that you consider waxing so that others, such as myself, do not take you at face value.
“But waxing by itself is no solution—many a gruff bushy eye-browed gentleman has attempted this in private, at the urgings of loved ones, usually female relatives, or romantic companions. The ladies, of course, quite correctly believe that if they are forced to put up with the indignities of plucking, waxing and generally extracting each hairy demon from their bodies, then there is really no excuse for the menfolk not to do the same, particularly if it will somehow make them more pleasant to be around. Be aware, however, that while such cosmetic enhancement may be initially pleasing to the ladies, it does nothing to change the fundamental nature of the hairy eye-browed male who dominates our fair city of Brisbane. Yes, he may look more pleasant, his eyes perhaps even brighter and more piercing with those great hoods of bushy hair trimmed back, but he does not—through a limited amount of waxing and plucking—suddenly turn into a mild-mannered gentleman whose company is a pleasure to be in. Nor over time will successive waxings—should that be the method chosen—lead to a gradual transformation of character. No the gruffness and unfriendliness remain, leading to the conclusion that it is these very characteristics which determine the overly hirsute nature of the eyebrows and not the eyebrows the character.
“So wax away you hairy fellows, but remember you are not fooling anyone.”
Dougie: Wow, look at that. Did you see that photo of Fearless Leader Johnnie and Uncle George just float down out of the Vandersky like that.
Trent: I reckon Uncle George waxes.
Dougie: Um, Trent, is that Evil Monkey coming this way?
Trent: Yeah, that’s the Monkey guy we met at the front gate. But he’s not smiling anymore. Wow, look at the size of his teeth.
Dougie: Yeah, and look at the size of his eyebrows! I think you offended him. He doesn’t look happy at all.
Trent: Shit, Dougie, we need to get out of here. What was that guy’s name? You know, the gatekeeper?
Dougie: It was Luis. Luis Rodrigues.
Trent: Hey, Luis, help, man. Luis, wherever you are, we’d like to get out of here now. Evil Monkey’s coming and he doesn’t look happy. Please, Mr Rodrigues, ple…
Dougie Stewart and Trent O’Klahoma work with Geoffrey Maloney in an office on the 13th floor of a big building in Brisbane. This was their first visit to Vanderworld.
Jeff’s Evil Monkey: And their last. This place has gone to the dogs since Jeff left. Geoffrey: Sorry, Evil Monkey, but they bought copies of my book “Tales from the Crypto-System” and they’ve been dying to see Vanderworld for ages. Jeff’s Evil Monkey: Tell me the truth, do my eyebrows need waxing? Geoffrey: No, they look fine. Really, for a monkey, they’re not very hairy at all. Jeff’s Evil Monkey: Trent was right though, Bush does wax.
Gatekeeper's note: Sorry guys, I've vowed never to get in the way of a simian, even if he's evil. I don't want the Great Big Orang-utan in the Sky to be cross at me when my time comes to meet him. (Jeff's Evil Monkey: So, does that mean you can't spank the monkey? Luís: *cries*)