THIS HERE CUPCAKE: HALLOWEEN HAIKU

UPDATE: I'm getting the impression that people outside of North America are not familiar with candy corn. Maybe this photo will help. Basically, it's pure corn syrup that's been dolled up to look like striped corn. Go figure. A favorite at Halloween. I used to scarf it down all the time.



Over the past week, culminating in a furious session late Friday night, my friends Leisa "Pirate" Pichard, Paul "Marmot" Larsen, Meredith "Flying Squirrel" McDonough and I ("Squid-Frog") have been compiling Halloween Haiku in anticipation of the festivities Monday (on which morning I am determined to walk by my manager's office at the day job wearing a huge alligator head). Below you will find the results. (Chapter headings/organization provided by Leisa, who also came up with the idea in the first place.)

In the grand tradition of the VanderWorld blog, after admiring our fulsome entries and praising them(granted, Paul and Leisa are the King and Queen of the Halloween Haiku), let's open this up to a contest. Deadline: By midnight EST on Monday. Limit: 5 haiku per person.

Top three Halloween Haikus posted in the comments field by then all get a copy of the Bantam Veniss Underground. 1st place gets a bag of candy, too. 2nd place also gets a candy bar. 3rd place also gets...one candy corn. Shipped priority mail.

The judges are Leisa, Paul, and Meredith, with Paul, by dint of his many, many entries, having the tie-breaking vote. The judges will be required to provide an explanation for their decisions. They can also designate honorable mentions if they so desire.

Er, nobody cares how many syllables are in each line. We're not haiku snobs.

JeffV


Chapter 1: Grim Vision

Darth Vader mask
Impossible trick
Never coming home—JV

Inexorable sweet tooth
Tonight you spree through town
For a candy panoply—MM

Clown eyes stare.
Skeletal feet clatter.
Cherry blossoms weeping.—JV

Sugar bloating.
Last bite too much.
Red lights: ambulance.—JV

Morticia whispers,
Only the chocolate please.
Dark as death's grim worm.—LP

Avast Vile Children
Knock no more. Screech not so loud.
Death is solemn, palpable.—LP

Five trick or treaters
A cancer on my doorstep.
How can I kill them?—PL

Happy Halloween
Your costumes are so precious.
Pray for a quick death.—PL

Eat the red candy
Then close your eyes and be wrapped
In death's warm blanket.—PL

I'm out of candy
Get off my porch, little freaks
Or I'll start singing.---PL

Racing cross the lawn
I step in something slipp'ry
I wish I'd worn shoes.—PL

Lying on his back
The robot costume wearer
Flails like a turtle.—PL

The doorbell is rung
And the flaming paper bag
Awaits Mr. Gould—PL

Mister Gould's pursuit
The sharp chain link fence creates
A wound that won't heal—PL

Sweet Mrs. Thompson
Always gives out healthy snacks
Let's pee on her car.—PL

Put on the pumpkin head
Cannot get it off
Suffocating fall.—JV

Gorging like a tick
Choking down handfuls of treats.
Just ate a penny—PL

Shudder.
Curling into
Fetal position.—MM

Wearing a tick costume
Choking down handfuls of treats.
Hey, look, a penny.—JV

I thought it was great
My Dustin Hoffman costume.
Nobody gets me.—PL

Kids in cute costumes
Celebrate the sweetened feast
Of the Dark Lord Ba'al—PL

Fairies, princesses,
And cat costumes interspersed
In Hell's dark parade.--PL

Trick or treaters
Strung up like Christmas lights
Barbed wire fence—JV

Red Power Ranger
Proud of his sparkly costume
Trapped in the crawlspace.—PL

On Halloween night,
Just one night a year, his hunch
Is a glitt'ring prize.—PL

Glorious costume idea
But: No breathing hole
Death comes slowly—JV


Chapter 2: Sweet Retreat

Pointy candy corn
Works like a rubber stopper
In a bullet wound.—PL

My dearest Igor
Thy purloined toes glisten bright
I'll kiss thy candy corn.—LP

I honor thy kiss
the sweet drop of darkest bliss
my true candy corn.—LP

Shall I compare thee to a candy corn?
Thou art less yellow and orange and also not as sweet. Or stripey. Plus you are considerably larger.—PL

All haiku must have
Lines of five, seven and five
And some candy corn.—PL

My Wiccan neighbor
Is handing out these pamphlets
And no candy corn.—PL

Lonely haikuist
Keeps writing works of genius
About candy corn.—PL

Mighty candy corn
You've made my tinkle smell like
Super Sugar Crisp.—PL

'licious candy corn-
Zeus and Hera only thought
They ate ambrosia.—PL

Pair of candy corns
Make eyes in the brown frosting
Of this here cupcake.--PL

Candy corn teeth
Hammered into soft pumpkin flesh
Make the bitt'rest smile.—PL

I honor thy kiss
the sweet drop of darkest bliss
my true candy corn.--LP

When I ponder on
beauty. I think only of
darling candy corn.--LP

Sweet candy corn
Baits the ripening field in
This harvest of souls.--PL

Oh candy corn
Your sweetness inspires me to
Change my name to Brachs.--PL

Darn candy corn,
Whilst savoring thy fragrance,
Wedged in my nostril.—PL

When upon thy brow
a frown of worry borne nigh
candy corn says I.—LP

A kid's prank gone wrong
Sleeping Uncle Lou's stoma
Blocked by candy corn.—PL

When the winds of war
blow dust across the sad plain
candy corn come home—LP

It's March 23rd,
Candy corn under the couch
Is still delicious.—PL


Chapter 3: Ode to Ben

Underneath his gown
Ben felt more like a princess
than ever before.—PL

I am so pretty
Ben thought, as the little girl
Blossomed inside him.—PL

I am not so pretty
Ben thought, as the little girl
Ripped his guts out.—JV

Ben ate all his treats
And then refilled his pumpkin -
Technicolor puke.—PL