Saturday, October 29, 2005


UPDATE: I'm getting the impression that people outside of North America are not familiar with candy corn. Maybe this photo will help. Basically, it's pure corn syrup that's been dolled up to look like striped corn. Go figure. A favorite at Halloween. I used to scarf it down all the time.

Over the past week, culminating in a furious session late Friday night, my friends Leisa "Pirate" Pichard, Paul "Marmot" Larsen, Meredith "Flying Squirrel" McDonough and I ("Squid-Frog") have been compiling Halloween Haiku in anticipation of the festivities Monday (on which morning I am determined to walk by my manager's office at the day job wearing a huge alligator head). Below you will find the results. (Chapter headings/organization provided by Leisa, who also came up with the idea in the first place.)

In the grand tradition of the VanderWorld blog, after admiring our fulsome entries and praising them(granted, Paul and Leisa are the King and Queen of the Halloween Haiku), let's open this up to a contest. Deadline: By midnight EST on Monday. Limit: 5 haiku per person.

Top three Halloween Haikus posted in the comments field by then all get a copy of the Bantam Veniss Underground. 1st place gets a bag of candy, too. 2nd place also gets a candy bar. 3rd place also candy corn. Shipped priority mail.

The judges are Leisa, Paul, and Meredith, with Paul, by dint of his many, many entries, having the tie-breaking vote. The judges will be required to provide an explanation for their decisions. They can also designate honorable mentions if they so desire.

Er, nobody cares how many syllables are in each line. We're not haiku snobs.


Chapter 1: Grim Vision

Darth Vader mask
Impossible trick
Never coming home—JV

Inexorable sweet tooth
Tonight you spree through town
For a candy panoply—MM

Clown eyes stare.
Skeletal feet clatter.
Cherry blossoms weeping.—JV

Sugar bloating.
Last bite too much.
Red lights: ambulance.—JV

Morticia whispers,
Only the chocolate please.
Dark as death's grim worm.—LP

Avast Vile Children
Knock no more. Screech not so loud.
Death is solemn, palpable.—LP

Five trick or treaters
A cancer on my doorstep.
How can I kill them?—PL

Happy Halloween
Your costumes are so precious.
Pray for a quick death.—PL

Eat the red candy
Then close your eyes and be wrapped
In death's warm blanket.—PL

I'm out of candy
Get off my porch, little freaks
Or I'll start singing.---PL

Racing cross the lawn
I step in something slipp'ry
I wish I'd worn shoes.—PL

Lying on his back
The robot costume wearer
Flails like a turtle.—PL

The doorbell is rung
And the flaming paper bag
Awaits Mr. Gould—PL

Mister Gould's pursuit
The sharp chain link fence creates
A wound that won't heal—PL

Sweet Mrs. Thompson
Always gives out healthy snacks
Let's pee on her car.—PL

Put on the pumpkin head
Cannot get it off
Suffocating fall.—JV

Gorging like a tick
Choking down handfuls of treats.
Just ate a penny—PL

Curling into
Fetal position.—MM

Wearing a tick costume
Choking down handfuls of treats.
Hey, look, a penny.—JV

I thought it was great
My Dustin Hoffman costume.
Nobody gets me.—PL

Kids in cute costumes
Celebrate the sweetened feast
Of the Dark Lord Ba'al—PL

Fairies, princesses,
And cat costumes interspersed
In Hell's dark parade.--PL

Trick or treaters
Strung up like Christmas lights
Barbed wire fence—JV

Red Power Ranger
Proud of his sparkly costume
Trapped in the crawlspace.—PL

On Halloween night,
Just one night a year, his hunch
Is a glitt'ring prize.—PL

Glorious costume idea
But: No breathing hole
Death comes slowly—JV

Chapter 2: Sweet Retreat

Pointy candy corn
Works like a rubber stopper
In a bullet wound.—PL

My dearest Igor
Thy purloined toes glisten bright
I'll kiss thy candy corn.—LP

I honor thy kiss
the sweet drop of darkest bliss
my true candy corn.—LP

Shall I compare thee to a candy corn?
Thou art less yellow and orange and also not as sweet. Or stripey. Plus you are considerably larger.—PL

All haiku must have
Lines of five, seven and five
And some candy corn.—PL

My Wiccan neighbor
Is handing out these pamphlets
And no candy corn.—PL

Lonely haikuist
Keeps writing works of genius
About candy corn.—PL

Mighty candy corn
You've made my tinkle smell like
Super Sugar Crisp.—PL

'licious candy corn-
Zeus and Hera only thought
They ate ambrosia.—PL

Pair of candy corns
Make eyes in the brown frosting
Of this here cupcake.--PL

Candy corn teeth
Hammered into soft pumpkin flesh
Make the bitt'rest smile.—PL

I honor thy kiss
the sweet drop of darkest bliss
my true candy corn.--LP

When I ponder on
beauty. I think only of
darling candy corn.--LP

Sweet candy corn
Baits the ripening field in
This harvest of souls.--PL

Oh candy corn
Your sweetness inspires me to
Change my name to Brachs.--PL

Darn candy corn,
Whilst savoring thy fragrance,
Wedged in my nostril.—PL

When upon thy brow
a frown of worry borne nigh
candy corn says I.—LP

A kid's prank gone wrong
Sleeping Uncle Lou's stoma
Blocked by candy corn.—PL

When the winds of war
blow dust across the sad plain
candy corn come home—LP

It's March 23rd,
Candy corn under the couch
Is still delicious.—PL

Chapter 3: Ode to Ben

Underneath his gown
Ben felt more like a princess
than ever before.—PL

I am so pretty
Ben thought, as the little girl
Blossomed inside him.—PL

I am not so pretty
Ben thought, as the little girl
Ripped his guts out.—JV

Ben ate all his treats
And then refilled his pumpkin -
Technicolor puke.—PL


At 7:20 PM, Blogger Luís Rodrigues said...

Trick or treat? Ain't no
Halloween in Portugal.
The bloody dagos.

At 7:29 PM, Blogger Luís Rodrigues said...

Stupid children who
Accept candy from strangers
Deserve to die.

At 7:43 PM, Blogger Luís Rodrigues said...

Same-sex marriage
And pagan Halloween make
Baby Jesus cry.

At 7:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not bitter, are ya, Rodrigues...

At 7:55 PM, Blogger Luís Rodrigues said...

This boy wrote haikus
To win Halloween candy.
He's fat enough, though.

At 8:15 PM, Blogger Luís Rodrigues said...

(Alternate version)

Fat boy wrote haikus
To win Halloween candy.
Don't feed the hippo.

At 8:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rodrigues should win.
The Portuguese kicks ass.
Vote for Rodrigues.

P.S. What is candy corn?

At 8:28 PM, Anonymous Clare said...

They knocked on my door
Strychnine in the candy corn*
This trick is on me

*whatever that is

At 9:21 PM, Blogger Tessa said...

In the Southern Hemisphere,
Which is going into Beltaine,
And Australia shrugs at tricks, treats, and gutted pumpkins, which it doesn't have much of either, being more of a banana place.

At 3:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Half a dozen eggs
Symbol of new life and hope
Now thrown at my house

At 5:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heh. I guess I'm going to have to explain candy corn soon.

Anon - you can't win anonymously. :)


At 7:02 AM, Blogger Tessa said...

Candy corn is the
root of eville everywhere
Tim Tams rule ha ha.

At 8:54 AM, Blogger Luís Rodrigues said...

Anonymous's eggs
Are the best haiku so far.
Anonymous wins.

At 8:56 AM, Blogger Luís Rodrigues said...

VanderMeer explains
Candy corn to foreigners.
Looks delicious. Yum!

At 9:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Salvation through saints
Sugar masquerades as food
All the treats are tricks

At 10:35 AM, Blogger La Gringa said...

razor-laden fruit
pedophilic horror show
are parents crazy?

At 10:37 AM, Blogger La Gringa said...

by the way, Luis, your haikus made me snort coffee out my nose...

At 10:41 AM, Blogger La Gringa said...

The Great Pumpkin lies!
Charlie Brown the sap again.
Linus is evil.

(this is going to kill my whole weekend.)

At 10:44 AM, Blogger La Gringa said...

Black cat scares off the
Jehohovah's Witnesses and
they trip on pumpkins.

(Somebody stop me now....)

At 10:46 AM, Blogger La Gringa said...

Skeletons masks and
jack-o-lanterns, little
Wes Craven's wet-dream.

At 10:51 AM, Blogger La Gringa said...

Okay, last one....

Halloween is no
more frightening than a land
run by Republicans.

At 12:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

three kids dressed as ghosts
wander down fishhook alley
blood-stained sheets puddle


goblin children scream
as troll teens leap from bushes
human masks leer


autumn leaves eddy
below the granite headstone
no winds blow tonight

At 1:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, those last three ku are mine.

Eric Marin

At 1:34 PM, Anonymous Clare said...

Wing of decayed bat
shrivelled foot of old baboon
mmm squishy candy.

At 2:37 PM, Blogger Luís Rodrigues said...

E. Marin's haikus
Are creepy and delicious.
Just like candy corn.

At 2:39 PM, Blogger Luís Rodrigues said...

Colleen, yours are great.
I hope the coffee wasn't hot.
Thanks for the comments.

At 2:46 PM, Blogger Luís Rodrigues said...

Clare's poetry is
Starting to make me hungry.
Let's do lunch some day.

At 10:44 PM, Anonymous Todd Mason said...

It seems a pity
one day a year We only
offer trick OR treat.

Smashing pumpkins on
Hell Night, so passe, we want
Pumpkins smashing us.

Eve, Adam, asking
Yahweh for treats one festive
Night, Snake trick instead.

Adults at parties,
Drowning their terror in fer-
Ment, hit and run, some.

K-Mart has costumes sale.
They sell these at higher price
In January?

[Shaking the rust off. Thanks for the offer.]

At 10:50 PM, Anonymous Todd Mason said...

Well, even though I'm not purist enough to paint them on parchment in Japanese, I will ask to revise the first line of the last to:

K-Mart costumes sale.

At 11:26 PM, Anonymous John said...

At two, dressed by mom
At eight, we want posh costume
At twelve, we will egg.

Bag full of candy
Was easily carried home
Weed out caramel.

As parents, repeat
From opposite side of mask
Caramel is ours!

At 2:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trick, they come with eggs
Give candy, the horrors leave
Banish fear with love

At 8:21 AM, Anonymous Faren Miller said...

JV said I could post all 10 of these (I just couldn't stop haikuing yesterday!). The first 5 are official candidates.

Why are all my ghosts
Conniving Republicans?
Exorcise them now!

It's late October
Carve the pumpkin's demon face
And it may bite you

Let's trick treats badly
(Or is it tricks we're treating?)
Bring the stomach pump!

Mars is my pumpkin
And all the stars my candy
That ghost? It's the moon

Ghouls in plastic masks
Are yelling on my doorstep
How long till Christmas?

Bela Lugosi
Emerges from his coffin
While Karloff crackles

Bring me more candy
To honor the Great Pumpkin
No, not Karl Rove

The stars are staring
Some of my low candles blink
But the owls stare back

(And finally, 2 rants)

Such tedious treats!
Most candy's not worth eating
Unless it's chocolate

Such superstitious
Bull! Cogito ergo sum
Is my mind candy

At 9:04 AM, Anonymous Christopher said...

Halloween again.
A scant twenty-four hours,
To walk about unmasked.

At 12:21 PM, Anonymous Punning Linguist said...

Autumn in Wyoming:
With a sack of costumes,
We circle the same house.

At 12:26 PM, Anonymous Punning Linguist said...

In your neighborhood,
A diabetic child
Is cleaning his gun.

At 12:29 PM, Anonymous Punning Linguist said...

A chewed-off leg
By the Jack-o-lantern
Keeps Halloween quiet.

At 6:01 AM, Anonymous Marmot said...

Jeff wrote - "In the grand tradition of the VanderWorld blog, after admiring our fulsome entries and praising them(granted, Paul and Leisa are the King and Queen of the Halloween Haiku), let's open this up to a contest."....

Ok, overlooking the silly pomposity of the "grand tradition of the VanderWorld blog" bit -- where's the admiration and praise? As a judge of this here contest, flattery will go a very long way. The more effusive, the better. I am a weak marmot and your kind words are like candy corn to me.

Which reminds me...candycorn-related bribes are also encouraged.

At 6:22 AM, Blogger cleek said...

Artificial ghosts
Mumble their shopworn lament
Beggars, Trickertreat


Yeah, sure, it sucks ass
But they can't inject poison
Into candy corn

At 7:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

shove extra copies
of Veniss up your arse, I want
Shriek: An Afterword


At 7:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

French Maid, Cheerleader
Fantasy adult costumes
On sale at Target


At 7:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL!!! That's the spirit, Noosh.

At 7:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Candy corn or not
Price attending class or not
All devil worshiping

At 8:04 AM, Anonymous Dana said...

pumpkin burning bright
candles flicker on my porch
quick call 911!


spirits out tonight
shadows by the fireside
welcome the new year

At 8:16 AM, Anonymous lagringa said...

VanderMeer thinks we
will work for striped corn syrup.
Alas, we are suckers.

There would be far more
creativity here if
Peeps were the grand prize.

Santa impaled on
Rudolph's antlers, elf waving
bloodied scythe about.

Easter Bunny baked
into Halloween pot pie.
Somewhere, the Pope laughs.

At 9:17 AM, Blogger Rajan said...

"What are you dressed as?"
Blank stares greet me all night long.
I'll return with eggs.

At 9:18 AM, Blogger Rajan said...

Maam, would it kill you
To buy some candy for a change?
Rolled-up pennies suck.

At 9:22 AM, Blogger Rajan said...

I, Jack O'Lantern,
Glowing with an inner light
Know it won't last long

At 9:38 AM, Blogger cleek said...

a vast conspiracy
candy manufacturers
abet tooth decay


e e e m b
that's my magic posting key
e e e m b

At 12:23 PM, Anonymous Dana said...

candy candy corn
lets eat lots of candy corn
orange, yellow, white

At 12:31 PM, Blogger La Gringa said...

Menacing children,
harbingers of B movie
canned audience screams.

Before your parents
dig through your candy, you must
hide the Reeses Cups.

At 12:57 PM, Blogger Rajan said...

Bela Lugosi
May you live forever
But not as the Undead.

At 1:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

a first grader's smile
after the candied apple
jack o' lantern

-Deborah P Kolodji

At 1:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Greedy kids ringing
My doorbell during dinner
But giving is sweet

At 1:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am scary for
Three hundred and sixty four
Days: where's my candy?

And that's my five.

At 1:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here are three more bringing me to a grand total of four:

a real vampire
rings the front door bell
my fake blood

e-mail advisement
against Halloween costumes --
candy corn fingernails

howling at the moon
the werewolf costume
wasn’t a costume

-Deborah P Kolodji

At 6:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay--contest is closed. We'll have winners in the next day or two. Thanks!

At 9:26 AM, Anonymous Polly said...

Help me, help me please
What the hell is candy corn?
I dont understand.


Post a Comment

<< Home